The Poop Report: This is the report you typically give to those sharing dog-walking responsibilities. It answers the critical question: “Did he poop?” And specifies the poop was a Poop du Jour, a Soft Serve, or any other non-regular poop. Though peeing may be reported, this is not the information people are looking for. It’s just not interesting whether or not the dog peed.
ASAPoop: When your dog poops within seconds after his paws hit the great outdoors.
Simulpoop: When you have two or more dogs and they spin and poop at the EXACT same time.
Doublepooper: When your dog poops twice on the same walk.
Triplepooper: When your dog poops three times on the same walk.
Pooptacular: When your dog poops more than three times on the same walk. This is rare, but it does happen. So appreciate it!
Poop Alignment: The important crouching spinning motion the dog goes through in order to properly position himself for the most accurate poop, typically anywhere between one and three revolutions. When this motion is seen, it means it’s time to pull out the bag. Some dogs are so accurate, they need not spin at all.
False Alignment: When the dog begins to spin into alignment, but realizes it’s all wrong, and must abort the mission.
Poopamime: When the dog spins around and goes through all the motions of pooping, including straining, but then nothing comes out.
The Poop Prance: This is the happy, excited, care-free frolic some dogs do just after poopin’, as if to say “hurray! look what I just made!”
Hoofin’ Poopin’: When your dog poops while walkin’, such that you don’t notice because it lands behind you. You typically find this on your way back home, right in the middle of the sidewalk. NICE!
The Hansel & Gretel: Also done when your dog is walking, but one little piece at a time.
The Cold One: This is a poop that you find some time after a dog, usually not your own, has pooped it. When you pick it up (being the Poop Samaritan that you are), it is cold. For some unknown scientific reason, cold poop is far less desirable than warm poop. Anyone who picks it up deserves a free drink.
Liquipoop: A euphemism for diarrhea (helpful in any written poop report cuz it's easier to spell than “diarrhea”).
The Poop Samaritan: This is the person who finds some big load of poop on the sidewalk or in someone’s yard, and knows that non-dog people will see it and a.) think it was their dog or b.) think all dog owners leave big loads of poop around and thus they and their dogs must be punished. So although they despise the Deadbeat Dog Owner who left the poop, they pick it up. And it’s always a Cold One. Thus it is an act of true martyrdom.
Deadbeat Dog Owner: A lazy dog owner who thinks he or she is too good for poop, or thinks that you don’t need to pick poop up if no one is there to see it fall. They will leave a poop anywhere, even in the middle of the freakin' sidewalk. DDOs give a bad name to all dog owners. And they suck. If you are one of them, it is not too late to reform. Just pick it up. For poop’s sake, will you please just pick it up?